


Two Fools Foolish Enough (To Fall in Love)

by AbschaumNo1



Series: Hope for Recovery [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Brainwashing, Recovered Memories, i hope that covers it?, the subtitle for this is probably something along the lines of 'idiotic idiots with problems'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-02
Updated: 2014-08-02
Packaged: 2018-02-11 09:43:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2063367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbschaumNo1/pseuds/AbschaumNo1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky's recovery how Steve experiences it, and how Bucky experiences it</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I've Always Been The Fool

**Author's Note:**

> I said I would write something centering on Steve and Bucky together again, and so I did. This is not edited in any way, because I have limited time before I'm gone for some time, so I hope it's not too bad... if ou find any mistakes and/or weird phrases feel free to tell me and I'll do something about it as soon as I can!

Even with the knowledge of what he has told Sam on the morning after Bucky had come to him, it is sometimes hard for Steve to get through his days with his friend. He has known from the very beginning that not every day can be easy, and if he is truly honest with himself he expected it to be worse. Still, the bad days sometimes grate on his nerves, and it takes everything for him not to snap at Bucky.

He also knows that despite everything he is special for Bucky, and where the other man tells everyone to call him James (not that there are a lot people to tell at this stage), Steve is still allowed to call him Bucky. In fact, the one time he tried to call him James, Bucky had looked at him with what he thought must have been one of the worst expressions he has ever seen on his face. Since then Steve hasn't done it again.

One of the hardest things for him is probably to give Bucky space when he needs it. His first instinct is to provide comfort, to wrap his arms around him and pull him close and shield him from the world, just like Bucky did all these years ago when Steve was still skinny and got sick all the time. He wants to care for Bucky the way Bucky cared for him. But that's not what Bucky needs, and Steve knows that. And so he does his best to give Bucky space, and to wait for him to come to Steve if he wants to.

It would be tempting to fall back into old routines and act like he's used to, but as long as he doesn't know for sure whether Bucky still wants it or not he won't impose anything on him. He knows Bucky remembers that they were together, but sometimes Steve's not sure what Bucky remembers and what he doesn't remember. He's aware that Bucky's memory can be a tricky thing from time to time.

But when Bucky remembers new things Steve's there to help. He adds in details that he hopes help him to get more of his memories of their time together. Those are the good days, he thinks; the ones where they sit together and talk; when there's a familiar glint in Bucky's eyes as he talks about something they did, or cracks a joke at something Steve fills in. They are the best days, but also the bittersweet ones, because they are so much like the ones they have had before.

Then there are the normal days, when Bucky's there but also not quite. On these days he can see all the ways Bucky has changed, but also stayed the same. On these days he realises that Bucky can still be a charming bastard, but he also sees that he carries himself differently; that there's a new kind of control in his every move, that Steve probably shouldn't think about in the ways he sometimes catches himself thinking about them. It's these days that Steve's heart is threatening to overflow because of how much he finds himself loving everything that Bucky chooses to be these days.

On the bad days Bucky does his best to act normal, but Steve has known him for most of their lives, and he can see the strain around his eyes, sees the way the smiles are just a little bit smaller and just a little bit off. But he has a feeling that Bucky doesn't want him to see that it's a bad day, and so he acts like everything is normal, while giving him as much space as possible so he doesn't have to act too much. It's these days that the urge to be close to Bucky is the strongest, and it's these days that Steve makes an effort to go out and do something.

It's not like there is no physical contact between them, far from it actually. They touch without even realising sometimes, a clap on the shoulder, or an attempt to catch the other's attention, a feather-light touch in passing, innocent little things that they don't think about. When they watch TV together, mostly animal documentaries, or cartoons, they usually sit on the couch together; Steve with his feet propped up on the coffee table; Bucky leaned against the armrest on the other side, with his toes under Steve's thigh, Steve's hand loosely resting on Bucky's feet. At least that's the way they start. Bucky tends to move closer to Steve as time passes. Sometimes he just slides down until he lies down on the couch, with his knees bent in some way. But other times he will actually move around until their shoulders are pressed together, and allow to let Steve put an arm around him. He will put his hand on Steve's chest sometimes, as if he wants to make sure that his heart is still beating. And then every once in a while he will end up with his head in Steve's lap, with Steve's fingers carding through his hair, massaging his scalp, until he just kind of drifts to sleep.

Steve likes it when that happens, because Bucky looks at peace in his sleep, and happy, and that's everything he wants for him. Because the thing is that he knows Bucky feels guilty for the things Hydra has forced him to do, and he can sometimes see the disgust in Bucky's eyes when he looks at his left arm, a constant reminder of the seventy years since the war. It's something Steve knows not to approach directly. He has tried to before, but it ended in anger on Bucky's side, because he thinks he doesn't deserve to be forgiven for what he has done. He called Steve a fool for being so accepting of who he is now, and all Steve could do was smile sadly, and say, “Maybe I am. Out of the two of us I've always been the fool. But maybe I'm right, and maybe I'm stubborn enough to convince you that it wasn't your fault.” Bucky's eyes had been fond then, and he had replied, “If someone can do it, it's probably you.”

Now Steve tries to show him that he's worth something when he sees that the guilt is eating Bucky. He leaves sketches for him on the kitchen table, sticks little post-it notes on his metal arm with messages, and he gently rubs his feet when they're sitting on the couch, his fingers lingering ever so slightly. In these moments Steve wants nothing more than be able to pull Bucky close and kiss him, just because he doesn't know how to put into words just how much he thinks Bucky is worth despite everything that he thinks. He hopes that maybe one day he can.


	2. We're fools, the two of us

Recovery for Bucky can be tricky. He's okay a lot of the time, but sometimes when the memories are not exactly pleasant it hurts to remember, and he wants to claw at his own skin, and break out of it, because it's all too much. But he doesn't want Steve to worry about him, and so he keeps it in and acts like everything is normal. However, Steve wouldn't be Steve if he was tricked that easily, and he usually knows within five minutes of seeing Bucky. He always looks like he wants to do something about it, but he never does. Instead he gives Bucky space to deal with it; space that Bucky is thankful for.

He tends to call Sam or Natasha as soon as he's alone. Both of them have proven to be good listeners, without judgement and always able to say something that makes the memories a bit easier to bear. Natasha usually tells him stories about her assignments to distract him, and reminds him that it's not impossible to live with the sort of things they both have done in the past. Sam never says he understands, because he knows he doesn't, at least not fully, but he counters every bad memory Bucky tells him with a good one that either Steve told him about (those usually start with “You know, Steve told me...” and end with Bucky scoffing into the phone and replying “Of course he would tell it like that. He's got it completely wrong though.”) or that they have made together. And by the time Steve returns to the apartment Bucky is distracted enough to be able to smile a little easier.

Bucky realises that Steve does his best not to impose any of their old relationship on him. He's walking on eggshells sometimes with how hard he tries to give Bucky the feeling that he doesn't expect anything of him. And Bucky, well, Bucky thinks he'd like to go back to it, but he also doesn't think he deserves it with the things he has done since then. He's aware that Steve's no saint, but he just can't help but think of him as pure, and good, and too good for someone like him. He hopes that one day he will be worthy of him again.

In the meantime he does his best to find himself again. He has to relearn a lot of things that don't come to him as natural as they have. Making choices is still hard sometimes, but he's getting there. In the beginning something like deciding that he wants food or that he wants to wear a particular hoodie is already a huge success. Every choice he has and makes is another step away from what Hydra made him and towards being a person again. Nowadays these choices include what movie to watch (he's catching up on Disney movies with Steve), or that he really doesn't want to have pizza again because Steve can't get his ass up to cook and doing the cooking himself.

A lot of the time he feels like he's in a sort of limbo, some sort of space between the Bucky Steve remembers, and the weapon he was made into, not quite one or the other. He's still trying to define himself in this new space, because he thinks that it's who he is now. Not quite the partner and second-in-command of Steve Rogers, but also not Hydra's best assassin, their weapon to point and shoot as they wished. He knows that he moves differently from before, because he can see it in the way Steve's sometimes surprised by it, but he's sure that it's not the only thing that has changed. He's fairly sure that the urge to know the best vantage points in every room he steps in, as well as any possible ways to enter or exit the room is new. So is probably the way he sometimes walks silently without even realising it until Steve jumps out of his skin, because he hasn't heard Bucky approach.

Accepting the arm is the hardest thing though. Because the arm is so tied up with everything he has done for Hydra that it's hard to see it as more as their tool. He's disgusted by it sometimes. But at the same time he realises that it is a part of him now and that he doesn't want it gone. The arm reminds him of the bad things he has done, and he thinks that maybe that's a good thing, because even though he doubts that he could ever forget any of the things that are resurfacing, he also wants there to be a visible reminder, something that really rubs it in for him. If the thing that does it also reminds possible attackers of who he is and what he is capable of that's only a plus.

Because while he's not sure that Steve has even thought about it, he already knows that one day he will follow him into battle again. As long as Steve goes out and risks his life to save the world, Bucky will follow him to have his back. He thinks it's a good thing that Steve met Sam, because if there's one person he trusts to have Steve's back, it's Sam. And Natasha is a good second choice in case Sam's not available, because she seems to realise how important Steve is to Bucky. He hasn't met any of the other members of Steve's new team so he's not sure if he can trust them as much, but then the Avengers apparently haven't really fought together since New York, so Bucky doesn't know if he even has to think that far. In any case, he thinks that he'll probably feel a lot better about the whole idea of Steve pulling some stupid stunt to save the world (seriously, who crashes a plane into the Arctic?) if he's out there himself to make sure the guy doesn't get himself killed.

But until he can handle that much, he likes to spend his time around Steve, smiling with him and joking, and remembering, and making new memories. He likes to allow himself to give in to the urge to be close to Steve, and to match the new memories of domesticity with the old ones from Brooklyn. He lets himself be comforted by the way Steve tries to convince him that he's still worth something, despite all the guilt he feels, and he pointedly doesn't think about that time Steve tried to talk about it, because even though he called Steve a fool, he wanted to scream at him that he himself was the fool, not Steve, because he wasn't even able to allow himself to be close to Steve again even though he thought that it would help him. Steve had replied that he had always been the fool out of the two of them, and all Bucky could think about was that they fit right together, two fools foolish enough to be in love with each other. He didn't say a thing, and lets Steve show what he thought Bucky was worth in little gestures. And whenever he finds a new sketch or message, or feels Steve's hand rubbing his feet when they're sitting on the couch, he thinks that he would really like to kiss the punk, because he's not sure he could find words to tell him how thankful he is. He hopes that maybe one day he'll feel worthy enough again.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://abschaumno1.tumblr.com)


End file.
